employee of the millennium

18 March 2009 | Uncategorized | 102 Comments

INT. DAY - DUANE READE

CUSTOMER approaches CASHIER with single purchase. That purchase is BEANO, a dietary supplement that more often than not bars the voluble and/or odoriferous processes that accompany the digestion of complex sugars.

CASHIER
You find everything you need?

CUSTOMER
Yezzir.

The CASHIER picks up BEANO.

CASHIER
Huh. What’s this?

CUSTOMER
(mildly flustered)
It’s, like, you know how certain foods–vegetables, beans–

CASHIER
Oh, it’s like a protein thing? Like a protein pill?

CUSTOMER
…Sure. Yeah.

CASHIER turns over BEANO, examines the box upon which is emblazoned the words “Stop gas BEFORE it starts!”

CASHIER
Okay, a protein thing. Power-packed. You gotta take this every day?

CUSTOMER
No, just…whenever.

CASHIER
It help you wake up in the morning?

CUSTOMER
Uh, not really. It’s just, uh. Hm.

CASHIER
Man, they got MAD inventions out there! I’ve never even heard of this!

CASHIER smiles broadly. CUSTOMER scurries out.

Now That’s What I Call a Lede

14 September 2008 | Miscellany, Movies | 145 Comments

From an AP story on the BoSox-Jays doubleheader:

Howard Ulman, I don’t know who you are, but thank you. Thank you for reaching out to the fourth-grader in all of us. Or at least me.

No Romo

8 September 2008 | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

This is what you made me do, Colts. Losing to Kyle Orton like that. At home. On your new field. Shame on you.

Live-Blogging the Republican National Convention, Day 3

3 September 2008 | Miscellany | 121 Comments

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

A Concerned Note to Jelly Belly®

13 August 2008 | Miscellany | 1 Comment

So listen. That right there? That does not taste like “juicy pear.” When I went to the store in search of Welch’s brand Fruit Snacks, and was thwarted, I sought solace in your “Fruit Bowl” offering. “A delightful array of fruity flavors!” I said. “They might not be Welch’s, but this is the kind of pinch they just might…do in.” So I began to eat them. And everything was fine, until the devil crapped in my mouth. I found the offending bean and matched it with the legend on the back of the bag. “Juicy Pear!” it said. It seemed gleeful. However, the label is all wrong. I’ll grant you the modifier, Jelly Belly, but the rest of it concerns me. If you will, allow me to suggest some revisions that may improve your descriptive accuracy.

  • Juicy Despair
  • Juicy Cigar Ashes And Havarti
  • Juicy Pair of Kayaker’s Balls
  • Juicy J’s Ad-Libs
  • Intrabuttock Swab (Juicy)
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Savory
  • That Thing Steve-O Once Refused To Eat
  • The Contents of Vibe’s Juice Issue
  • J.P. Gunchswizzle’s Family Flavorama
  • Thanks so much for your time.

    Best,
    Consumer (Ex)

    Done Lists: Like a To-Do List in Reverse

    12 August 2008 | Miscellany | 54 Comments

    Sometimes making lists at the beginning of a day is good because it helps me stay “organized.” This is different from being “organizized,” a variety of organizedness broadcast by terminally frazzled people (hence, in my theory at least, the extra z). These are the same people who, when you ask how they are, respond “I’m not sure, this is only my third cup of coffee.” Or they may say, “Grunt. Coffee. Then answer.” Either way, FUCKING HILARIOUS. They also have an heavily-Xeroxed piece of paper somewhere near their workspace that says in an all-cap serif font (or possibly Comic Sans) “I CAN ONLY HELP ONE PERSON A DAY. I’M SORRY, YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON.” I would like all of those people to be carried away by giant prehistoric birds who somehow became trapped in amber and were re-awakened in present day with a hunger for the flesh of people who are organizized. However, I still sometimes like to-do lists. But even more than that, I like done lists. These are the lists that make your day feel fuller. Usually, you’ll get home from wherever you spent your day and your spouse/partner/RealDoll will say “how was work?” And you’ll likely say, “nothing.” Or “Maloney was a class-A prick today.” Or “Jenkins asked me if I had the report ready for him, and thanks to a recent switch to Right Guard Clinical Protection, that report was nestled comfortably in my titanium briefcase, and for once not suffocating under the four extra blue shirts I have to bring to work every day as backups for when I sweat through the original blue shirt as an inevitable result of the pressure-cooker job I have that does nothing to help my profuse sweating problem.” But more than likely, it’ll be a variation on “nothing.” See, this is why you need a done list. Let’s say you were me. And you’re still at work, but when you do get home, one of your wives will say, “how was work?” And you’ll look at the done list, and you’ll regale her with all the wonderful and dynamic things you did at work. Here’s mine.

    1. Drank coffee named after an “eclectic community whose character is defined by hip cafes, neighborhood restaurants and tree-lined streets filled with Victorian brownstones, townhouses and young middle-class couples pushing double-wide baby strollers.” Gross. The coffee itself is great, though.
    2. Wrote a rap verse from the perspective of an angry Tera Patrick1
    3. Ate a burrito, which was not entirely satisfying thanks to a distinct laziness on the part of the guy who made the burrito. Instead of a pleasing consistent stratification, I was met with discrete pocket of unmelted cheese, as well as one of cold salsa, both of which compromised the Taste Quotient (as standardized by scienticians) of the burrito.

    4. Ate some delicious Welch’s Fruit Snacks (Raspberry and White Grape variety)
    5. Had a filthy pun contests. Had many filthy pun contests.
    6. Fleetingly wondered what it’s like to write a “sales report.”

    1 While I’m not entirely proud of this, I am in the lead against my dude Justin Monroe, who wrote one from the perspective of an angry Jenna Jameson. Check it out.Warning: there is some mighty tart language involved.

    Banned From TV

    4 August 2008 | Self-Promotion | 161 Comments

    More on this shortly, for now just a live TV segment that ends strangely. In a couple of different ways. Sorry, Maggie.

    Funna’s What I Got, Li’l Homie

    1 August 2008 | Uncategorized | 57 Comments

    Happy birthday, Kuchi!

    Love, K & P

    Tell it to my &%*%#* canon

    27 July 2008 | Books, Movies | 62 Comments

    Thanks to this book, which I’m still only about a third of the way into, I’ve become embarrassed all over again about the movies I haven’t seen—the number, the scope, and the quality. Which isn’t to say I don’t like good movies, but I’m for some reason more likely to glaze over in front of Constantine or Volcano than I am in front of…The English Patient. Especially Volcano. And especially, ESPECIALLY The English Patient. Okay, bad example. But I’ve only seen, for example, 30 of the AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies. Which is sad.

    The thing is, I know it’s sad. And over the past couple of years I’ve made some decent headway, especially through late-’60s and ’70s stuff. Alan J. Pakula (Parallax View, Klute, All the President’s Men), Don Siegel (Coogan’s Bluff, Charley Varrick), Play Misty For Me, Three Days of the Condor, etc. Basically, any heisty/capery or paranoid/espionagey joint from that era has made its way to the casa, and has since been funneled into that Great Tivo/Netflix Algorithm that dictates my future viewing practices. But Steve Erickson, in using a severely maladjusted, possibly Aspbergian cineaste as his focus in Zeroville, has found the perfect vehicle to broadcast all the old-movie trivia his wife forbade him from dragging out at parties. So now it’s precursor time, time to go and catch up spaghetti Westerns, Harold Hawkes joints, John Ford joints, all the red-meat selections I wrote off as Cliff Huxtable Saturday-afternoon hoagie-and-orange-soda fare. And failing that, I’ll watch this clip of Marge Simpson krumping until my eyes turn into giant fried eggs.

    Let’s Roc and roll.

    25 July 2008 | Self-Promotion | 61 Comments

    profX

    Oh, Professor X, your crippled genius knows no bounds.

    Anyway, the main site is updated and ready to, uh, see above. Lots of recent featurey goodness and the like. And more to come, including profiles of globally famous overpaid actors and actresses whose pockets you can’t stop yourself from lining!