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A Concerned Note to Jelly Belly®

13 August 2008 | Miscellany | No Comments

So listen. That right there? That does not taste like “juicy pear.” When I went to the store in search of Welch’s brand Fruit Snacks, and was thwarted, I sought solace in your “Fruit Bowl” offering. “A delightful array of fruity flavors!” I said. “They might not be Welch’s, but this is the kind of pinch they just might…do in.” So I began to eat them. And everything was fine, until the devil crapped in my mouth. I found the offending bean and matched it with the legend on the back of the bag. “Juicy Pear!” it said. It seemed gleeful. However, the label is all wrong. I’ll grant you the modifier, Jelly Belly, but the rest of it concerns me. If you will, allow me to suggest some revisions that may improve your descriptive accuracy.

  • Juicy Despair
  • Juicy Cigar Ashes And Havarti
  • Juicy Pair of Kayaker’s Balls
  • Juicy J’s Ad-Libs
  • Intrabuttock Swab (Juicy)
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Savory
  • That Thing Steve-O Once Refused To Eat
  • The Contents of Vibe’s Juice Issue
  • J.P. Gunchswizzle’s Family Flavorama

    • Thanks so much for your time.

    Best,
    Consumer (Ex)

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